i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Oh god it's open bar.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
