If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
