I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
