my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
