I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
