It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
