End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
