Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
