if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
