I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
