My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
