You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
