I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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