In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
