Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Never joke about your clitoris.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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