Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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