drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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