I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
