Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
