I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
