Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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