The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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