I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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