dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
