Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
