Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
