Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
