community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
