The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Randomize
