Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
