The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
