Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
