OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
