the new term for farting is butt boxing.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
