I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
