i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
