My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
