I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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