sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
