You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
