so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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