my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
