Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
