Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
