when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
