All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
