I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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