giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
