My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
