Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
