I wish they made helmets for livers.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
