he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
