maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
